Comments for Grieving Dads To the Brink and Back Fri, 02 Mar 2018 23:42:33 +0000 hourly 1 Comment on Tell Your Story by Kelly Farley Fri, 02 Mar 2018 23:42:33 +0000 Dave – Thank you for having the courage to put your pain into words. I know its not easy hearing, reading or writing them. It forces you to go “there” which is exactly the place we try to avoid, but we now we can’t

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I wish I could say something that would take away your pain, but we both know that those words don’t exist. Guilt is something we all deal with. They call it the great destroyer for a reason, it can weigh you down and almost smoother you. Early on I asked myself very similar questions all that had no good answers. The counseling, support groups helped me to process those questions, but it takes a lot of time.

You don’t need to be stoic. Struggle together, cry together. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and transparent. Best advice I could give you. There are people out there that will listen without feeling like they need to “fix” you. Most family or friends will not be those people. They want the old you back, hell, I want the old me back. It’s just not going to happen.

Wishing you peace on your journey. I’m hear when and if you need me.



Comment on Tell Your Story by Dave R Tue, 27 Feb 2018 21:29:08 +0000 Hi Kelly,
We would have celebrated our daughter’s birthday tomorrow. She’s been gone just over 3yrs now and I still expect her to walk through the doorway and say “what’s up mamma bear?” to her mother. It’s hard…you know that. Writing this is hard too, but its really the first time I’ve really been able to say something to someone who gets it.

It was a single vehicle accident, early in the morning, on a dark back road. No one saw the car in trees for 5 hours. We didn’t find out until 4 hours after that.

Every day I carry guilt that there was something I could have done to protect my little girl. That was my job. Did I maintain the car properly, should it have been a newer car, why didn’t I find her when we went looking when she wasn’t home? Was it really instant like the coroner said, or did she lie in the cold by herself? I needed to be there, both for her and myself. The fact that she was alone bothers me the most.

I’ve started reading your book and its reassuring to know others have the same feelings and experiences as I have since that day. I am not alone in experience, but feel alone in the physical sense that there is no one that has come and asked how I’m really doing. Friends and acquaintances you thought would be there carry on expecting you to be better by now, or just disappeared into the woodwork. There are a couple people we can talk to, and do, but we don’t want to burden them either. Needing some one to lean on, but trying to be stoic for your wife because she is struggling too. I don’t need or want anyone to try and “fix” me or offer advice, just someone to sincerely ask, and listen, and mean it. I’ve had 2 or 3 moments over the years I’ve been able to let go with a relative or counselor, but its mostly when I’m by myself. In my office, driving down the road, when a particular song comes on the radio, or at home in her room. We haven’t touched it yet except for picking up her clothes off of the floor. I really don’t care about much anymore. I used to enjoy coming into work. I feel like an outsider now and have lost all of the enthusiasm I had. It doesn’t bother me what other’s think and am more willing to express an opinion I would have kept to myself before. I no longer fear death, although I hope it is still a long time away.

I worry about my son as well, her little brother. Is he like me? Appearing OK from the outside but suffering in anguish on the inside? Does he feel guilty that there is something he could have done being the last person to see her? Is there a heavy load now that he is our only child? Has he been overshadowed by our grief and feeling forgotten? I hope not.

It’s been a long 3yrs but I think time is starting to dull the pain. I will miss her until the day I die, but the days are getting easier. Thank you for creating this site Kelly. A friend of my wife pointed her to it a few months back and after reading some of the stories and your blogs, thought I’d share mine. It might help me and I hope maybe others. Maybe it will give some semblance of insight to those trying to understand a friend in our situation because I truly hope they won’t have to experience it for themselves.


Comment on Tell Your Story by Kelly Farley Tue, 27 Feb 2018 19:39:47 +0000 Tim – Glad you found us and thank you for sharing your story. I am very sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. Terribly heartbreaking story. I wish I could tell you it gets better and when it will get better, but I can’t. It is different for everyone. And believe it or not, you are still very early on this path with just passing the 2nd anniversary a few months ago. The pain changes in time and becomes less acute, but it is always with us, just below the surface. The triggers lessen with time and hard work (ie: counseling, support groups, etc.). Not sure if you have read my book, but I encourage you to do that, it will give you some insight into your pain. Keep working on the foundation and keep helping others. I found this to be one of the most therapeutic things to do for me.

Vent here anytime. Peace.


Comment on Tell Your Story by Tim O Thu, 22 Feb 2018 17:12:09 +0000 I just saw you on amazon, and have ordered this book along with a few others.
Here is my story…

It was the beginning on Jan 2015, my oldest daughter who was 12 at the time was having pains. She went to several doctors, bloodwork, scans, etc all came up clear and each doctors with different theories. In feb/march 2015, my wife surprises us that we were going to have another child and our 2 daughters would be big sisters. They were both excited. She still continued to have pain, and in May/June the pain in her arm was unbearable. We went to doctor after doctor. Her arm now slumpt down looking like a dislocation, we went to a pediatric orthopedic. We saw him on on Wednesday, he ordered the MRI for Thursday and he wanted to she her on Friday. we just thought he was going to just do something to her arm. On Friday 6/19/2015, her last day of school we were told go directly to the Childrens hospital of Philly and pack a bag for at least the weekend. That weekend turned into a long month. Late that night we heard the words no one, especially a parent wants to hear… Your daughter has cancer. trying t digest that and then going online doesnt help. This type of cancer is only in 400 kids a year, stats dont lie. It was looking good.

We spent that weekend, as it was fathers day and that monday was our youngest daughters 10th bday which we were making a big deal about for some thing, and rightfully so. Those first couple days were filled with tests, procedures, etc. After one of the test, she had a major panic and asthma attack, which sent her to the ICU. here we found her lungs too, besides her arm was riddled with cancer and during the course of a week they removed 40L of fluid from her lungs.

Once deemed strong enough she endured 3 months of chemo, with only a few days in between each chemo drug. she was give 3 different drugs. on oct 1it was said there was nothing more they could do. we did 2 weeks of radiation to ease her pain, but it was just temporary. We asked the dreaded question of how long since the holidays were approaching. we were able to get thanksgiving barely. She earned her wings on 12/1/15 at the age of 13.

we are heading into the 3rd year and for some reason this year has started out rough. Granted it will not get easier and i know trigger points, but there hasnt been anything. i am hoping something helps because i am going back into my funk of anxiety and depression.

we have a foundation that keeps me busy and we love helping others

Comment on Tell Your Story by Kelly Farley Mon, 19 Feb 2018 19:25:49 +0000 Matt – Horrible story. I am so very sorry for the pain you and your partner have endured. It is a very difficult and heartbreaking circumstance. I am happy that you have had the courage to share your story here. I wish I could say this pain will go away quickly, it doesn’t. It takes a lot of time and grieving for you to even start seeing the fog start to lift. It happens so gradually that you don’t even realize it is happening, but it does. Anger, despair, numbness, etc are all just part of the journey. They come and go and then come back again. The pain can be ruthless at times, but its just part of it. The key is allow yourself to feel and don’t panic.

I am happy that my book and this blog has helped you in your journey. You are correct, there is no going back and the fact you have acknowledged that will make a difference in your healing. The few stays dark for a while, but keep reading the book, keep doing the hard work with grief support groups, counseling and finding something/someway to honor your baby.

Wishing you peace Matt.


Comment on Tell Your Story by Matt Buzzell Sun, 18 Feb 2018 15:25:00 +0000 I found out I was going to be a first time father at 43 years old around Labor Day 2017 and one month in. We were proud co-parents and while having a bumpy pregnancy with severe morning sickness and mom with blood clots making her high risk our love for our son grew by the day. A month ago she surprised me ahead of a work trip with a 3D ultrasound. I got to see what my son looked like, see photos of him yawning and sucking his thumb and video of him hiccupping. We were so in love with this little guy who we’d named Noah James Buzzell….the week prior. Then the next day while getting ready for work mom slipped in the shower in such a weird manner that she hit her tummy directly absorbing much of the fall. My son was gone in an instant in such a horrendous tragic way……This happened January 16th, 2018. It’s still so raw; best analogy I could give to the moment I heard was like a physical PUNCH to the gut….I fell to the floor and sobbed like never before. My heart just aches for mom and her unimagineable guilt….I’m helping her to cope the best I can as we are not together even though we stayed by eachother’s sides for the first 3.5 full weeks and only recently went back to our own independent lives.

I’ve read a few of the other responses including one above that lost his son at just 24 weeks; we were at 23 weeks. I feel your pain brother!! The emotions I feel are less rage and more just despair, numbness, my new found joy and purpose is gone, sadness, anger, frustration……Mom feels it the worst at nights because that’s when our son would be the most active and moving around most, when we’d have time to talk to him and rub her belly most…..and now he’s gone, those feelings are gone, mom’s not leaking milk any more and her body knows he’s really gone, and we are just in such grief and despair still.

We did a balloon realease this week on the day of his cremation which was sad and I don’t know that it helped much to be honest but it needed to be done and mom wanted to do it. I need to pick out an Urn and I’ve been avoiding it. I could go on and on and probably already said to much and out of respect to the others I’ll stop here.

I’m thankful that this comment board exists and I’m thankful your wrote your book Kelly; It was one thread I’ve used to pull me through day by day in these days that are still so dark. I found some peace in your book understanding that this is something we’ll never ‘get over’. I will never be the same, a part of me died that day!!! I also won’t stress about that search for ‘going back to normal’ because there is no going back; it’s a question of what’s the new normal and that view is still so dark right now.

Comment on “Lost It All” – A Poem by Patrick Fri, 16 Feb 2018 01:23:50 +0000 Wade couldn’t have put it in words any better for me. He must feel as ripped off as I do. Such deep emotions that are hard to reduce to words but he’s nailed it. Whatever your loss contains I’m so sorry my brother. I’m so with you. Missing my 23 year old youngest son with every weak breath I have left. While waiting for him to come home for a Sunday cookout I get the dreaded call. There is a new life to live now. One that I relate to hell. Once a proud father reduced to a grieving dad who feels there’s little left to live for.

Comment on Guilt and Failure by Kevin Mon, 12 Feb 2018 12:59:04 +0000 I failed because I didn’t teach my son well enough about the dangers of drinking and driving. I feel guilty because two of his friends died with him and a third has life changing head injuries. So many lives lost or altered… was it due to my negligence? Knowing that he and his friends were in their early twenties, so legally adults who have received eduction and warnings about drinking and driving, does little to reduce my guilt. I wasn’t a good enough teacher.

Comment on “Lost It All” – A Poem by Evelyn Sprague Wed, 07 Feb 2018 03:41:17 +0000 Wade, This is so heartfelt and raw. Your writings are amazing. I can feel your pain in this. I have followed you through your grief journey. You have come a long way to find some form of peace but having loved and lost, I know we never complete our journey here on this earth. We will never be whole again until our Heavenly reunion. My hope is that these beautiful writings that you do for Brookes somehow softens your pain with each stoke of the pen.

Comment on Guilt and Failure by Don Begier Sat, 03 Feb 2018 15:42:47 +0000 I felt like a failure because I thought i should have been more strict. I wish I had not let him go out with his friends the night he was killed.