As a two-time grieving dad, know what a bad looks like all to well. However, I still have to stop myself once in a while when I get frustrated at work or something else gets to me and reflect on those dark dark days I didn’t think I would survive. I stop myself and say “is this really a big deal in the grand scheme of life?” The answer is usually “absolutely not” so I take deep breath/take a break and return with a new attitude. Must stuff really just doesn’t matter. I find it freeing most days because I know there isn’t much anyone can do or say to me that will ruin my day. It might piss me off for a few minutes, but I will generally put it in its proper place. That proper place for me is the “I don’t give a fuck” column.
Any thought out there on “bad days”
Hearing your wife moan and cry out at night for days following the death is heart wrenching, something you will never forget.
It sure isn’t. One of many things permanently burned into our memories.
Wishing you peace.
Thanks for this post Kelly . I sometimes forget that my worries of the day and what I think is bad in fact is not. I have lived through bad days after saying goodbye to Everett . I fell back into sweating the small stuff this last month . I felt more at peace knowing Everett gave me the gift to not worry and fear life as much . Life sucked me back into it’s black hole . All the comments certainly helped me a lot thanks guys .
Joe – Don’t get me wrong, I have to stop myself all of the time and say “do I really care about this and why am I getting pissed off, worried, etc. My answer is generally NO I don’t really care about it. The old me probably would have worried about it, but the new me just doesn’t. I like the feeling of being free from those burdens. Of course that are other burdens I carry, but those are who I am now. Life will on occasion suck you back in but if you are self aware of it, you can pivot pretty quickly.
Kelly- after the day I buried Jake, anything else is a walk in the park. Most of my really bad days revolve around the memory of his passing and not so much anything else. It is liberating in a way, as I have nothing much left to fear. My worst fears were realized and I survived. That’s about all I can say, I survived. Frankly, I am all out of fucks to give. Peace to you and yours.
Ed – I say it “freeing” all of the time. I don’t have to but up any fake facades, I am who I am and if you don’t like it, I’m ok with it. If my job doesn’t like that I don’t put in 60 hours a week, I don’t care. I don’t worry about losing my job, I’ll eat. It just releases you from the trivial shit other people worry about.
VERY true. We parents of a deceased child Now view life from a Different Dimension. I have always been amazed ast other people’s trivial nuisances.
But now especially, those nuisances fall under, IDGAF, (idontgiveafuck),
IDGAS, (idontgiveashit), or NFG. (Nofucksgiven)
My sons share the same feelings.
Also, Thank you for your real-life in sights. I loves your messages.
A different dimension is absolutely correct. I saw a sign the other day that said “From the bottom of my heart, I just don’t give a fuck”. Pretty much summed it up for me. Of course there are things that I care about, but other peoples drama or bullshit is not one of them. A career is not one of them. Freedom and peace of mind is what I care about.
I don’t have a “I don’t give a fuck” column… I have an entire spreadsheet!
I think I hear things everyday, which are things people are worried and concerned about… and most of them that I hear are about stupid shit!
I feel that losing a child has opened my eyes to what’s REALLY important in our short existence.
So here is to us… filling up our “I don’t give a fuck” columns and spreadsheets. Happy Holidays… but not really (already on my spreadsheet).
Greg – “Entire spreadsheet” – I love it. That is certainly something I have noticed, realizing what is really important in life. For me the #1 thing is PEACE. I know what its like to lose it so I cherish it. Peace of mind is extremely valuable to me.
I can absolutely relate to this! Especially the “I don’t give a fuck” column. I use that constantly, especially at work when other people are complaining or running the show. It definitely helps me to stop and think about what really matters.
Erik – Great to see you can relate. I find it almost freeing to live with the mindset of “nothing you will say or do will ever get close to losing my children”. It allows me to be free of fear and concern. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for someone or something to challenge my mindset. However, your right, at work I do my job but I’m not looking to conquer the world anymore. Its a job and a paycheck. That’s it. Peace. Kelly
Just stumbled on this page and it only confirms what I’ve been feeling.
Nothing other than my wife and remaining family matter anymore. I just go through the motions of life now not having to prove anything to anyone,it’s just a shame I had to lose my son to feel this way.
Hi Charlo – Thank you for your comment. Very sorry for your loss. It is a shame we had to lose so much to get to a point that you having nothing to prove to anyone. None of it matters. I will say, evern 14 and 12 years later, I feel much better and I still have that feeling of freedom from the bullshit we put on ourselves to be or live a certain way. It takes a lot of time and work to get to this point, but I now live my life the way I want to live it, not how others expect me to.
Thanks for your reply.
Although it’s hard I really should feel lucky and blessed that we had Robbie in our lives for 20 years when a lot of guys on this blog have had a lot less time with their children.
And no matter what age your child passes,we all share the same pain.
Thanks for the opportunity to share my thoughts.