I lost my only son, Brooks, to homicide and not long after that I was told by a couple of different people that I could adopt or be a foster parent and then I’d be a father again. I’m still a father!
Yes you are my friend. No doubt in my mind. Just because our children are no longer here with us doesn’t mean our love and responsibilities as a father have ended. The work I do to help others is to honor my children. I feel like it is something I must do, plus it helps me tremendously.
Don – Those are the ones I hear often. Although I am a believer, I do not believe it is part of “his” plan. I believe it is just life and sometimes it just sucks. Things happen to everyone. Somethings are worse than others.
We have four boys and our oldest son, Andrew, was killed in a hit and run back in May 2012. He was just 23, I remember at a party only months after Andrew was killed – a woman standing around that I was talking to said about another woman, “look at her – she’s had far too much to drink”. Then I told her that “she was my wife and had just lost her son, the eldest of for boys so she has a excuse.” The woman then went on to say “I know someone who lost their only child – you’re lucky you still have other kids”. I walked away and have never spoken to the friend that that invited that woman to the party (she tried to justify the comments later). I have never felt anger and sitll feel it rising as I type this. I wanted to say ” BECAUSE YOU HAVE OTHER KIDS IT DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE LOST A SPARE YOU STUPID COW AND ITS ALL OK”. But I didn’t and probably still wish I had, but didnt want to make a scene
Kym – Like I say, People Suck. I love self righteous people that judge others without knowing they other persons story. I am guilty of it from time to time, but I am much more aware of it than I ever was before. I now see pain in people I never did before. I use to bite my tongue, I don’t any more. Probably should but it makes me feel better when people say stupid things.
Steve – Yeah that’s a good one. I don’t even know her and “fuck her”. Selfish. I would hope that her comment wasn’t a political statement. That one pisses ME off.
The worst thing ever said to me was from my own mother. She said to me only a few weeks after we lost Joshua. She said “I know how hard it is because we just put down the dog.” She compared the losing my son, her Grandson to a dog. That’s took me years to even talk to her again.
Jeremy – Yeah, I could see where that comment could cause a distance between you and your mom. I will say that my relationship with my family is not as strong as it once was, I think its because we lived many hours away from any family and we were forced to help ourselves. No one around to make us dinner, stop by and check on us, etc. We just learned to be even more self sufficient than we already were. Sad, but that’s the way it is.
Another very good vlog, Kelly. The format works very well. I feel like I’ve made a new friend instead of just reading words on the page/screen. Speaking of friends, a friend of mine I had not seen in a few years lost his 38-yr-old daughter over the past couple of weeks. She passed under very similar circumstances to my 26-yr-old son who died four years ago. I wrote an email to my friend, who hadn’t known about my loss, and from his reply I think he appreciated knowing someone else in his circle could begin to understand what he was going through. It brought me a strange kind of comfort as well, something along the lines of, “Well, I guess this didn’t happen to me ’cause I’m the worst Dad in the world, because it happened to my friend and I know he’s a good guy.” I wrote him a follow-up note telling him I’ll drop him a line from time to time, which he doesn’t have to answer — just going to offer him my observations and experiences from the trenches. Take care, Kelly. Thanks for the vlogs.
Ray – Thanks for the kind words regarding the new format. I love that you said that you feel like you are talking to a friend. That was my hope when people watched them.
Trust me, you should continue to reach out to him, helping others, really does help you.
Great post as always. Thanks for everything you do for greiving dads.
I find work to be the worst with the “people suck” situation. I worked from home when my son passed away last June and it really was the best for me. Now being back in an office it’s constant comments of “wait til you have kids” with the negative connotation that your carefree life will be over, etc. It gets very frustrating since I tend to get the most comments from folks that know the situation. I don’t know if it’s them trying to make me feel better in some twisted way but some days it’s very hard to get myself to work. You would think in a professional office setting people would adhere to the “if you don’t know what to say, saying nothing” rule. Anyways just needed to vent a bit. Keep doing what you’re doing.
Andrew – You are welcome. Yeah, work and fellow co-workers can be a source of some really stupid comments. That is a great rule. Say nothing.
I have called people out on saying stuff. I had a co-worker once that was in my car as we were going to a meeting and he said something and then tried to defend it after I called him out on it. I told him to “shut the fuck up or I am pulling over and he can get the fuck out of my car.” I would have been more than happy to help him out. Needless to say, he didn’t say much more.
The comment I have heard the most was “your young you can always have more children”. It has been over 9 years since my 2 year old princess passed and I still hear that about how my younger 2 girls are supposed to be a “replacement”. At her funeral I was told by my wife’s family that is was “gods punishment for not obeying her (abusive) father”.
Wow. Punishment for not obeying her father. What a bunch of bullshit that is. You are better than me, I would disown someone for saying that, family or not. I have had a brother in law say some stuff that was cold and meant to inflict pain. I stopped talking to him for several years until he finally apologized and even now, I don’t have much to do with him. He showed his true colors and so have others. Sorry for the heartless comments.
We stopped talking to him before then however some of the family fletcher the need to repeat it. Needless to say I have no time in my life for them either. I must say with all the heartless comments I still receive after 9 years, I have thosever friends who will educate and correct those that are ignorant.
I lost my only son, Brooks, to homicide and not long after that I was told by a couple of different people that I could adopt or be a foster parent and then I’d be a father again. I’m still a father!
Yes you are my friend. No doubt in my mind. Just because our children are no longer here with us doesn’t mean our love and responsibilities as a father have ended. The work I do to help others is to honor my children. I feel like it is something I must do, plus it helps me tremendously.
Peace.
Kelly
So many things…”He’s in a better place.” “God needed an angel.” “it’s all part of God’s plan.” I could go on for days!
Don – Those are the ones I hear often. Although I am a believer, I do not believe it is part of “his” plan. I believe it is just life and sometimes it just sucks. Things happen to everyone. Somethings are worse than others.
Peace.
Kelly
We have four boys and our oldest son, Andrew, was killed in a hit and run back in May 2012. He was just 23, I remember at a party only months after Andrew was killed – a woman standing around that I was talking to said about another woman, “look at her – she’s had far too much to drink”. Then I told her that “she was my wife and had just lost her son, the eldest of for boys so she has a excuse.” The woman then went on to say “I know someone who lost their only child – you’re lucky you still have other kids”. I walked away and have never spoken to the friend that that invited that woman to the party (she tried to justify the comments later). I have never felt anger and sitll feel it rising as I type this. I wanted to say ” BECAUSE YOU HAVE OTHER KIDS IT DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE LOST A SPARE YOU STUPID COW AND ITS ALL OK”. But I didn’t and probably still wish I had, but didnt want to make a scene
Kym – Like I say, People Suck. I love self righteous people that judge others without knowing they other persons story. I am guilty of it from time to time, but I am much more aware of it than I ever was before. I now see pain in people I never did before. I use to bite my tongue, I don’t any more. Probably should but it makes me feel better when people say stupid things.
Peace.
Kelly
Sister-In-Law: The reason I didn’t come to the memorial service was because she was never born so she didn’t exist.
Steve – Yeah that’s a good one. I don’t even know her and “fuck her”. Selfish. I would hope that her comment wasn’t a political statement. That one pisses ME off.
Peace.
Kelly
The worst thing ever said to me was from my own mother. She said to me only a few weeks after we lost Joshua. She said “I know how hard it is because we just put down the dog.” She compared the losing my son, her Grandson to a dog. That’s took me years to even talk to her again.
Jeremy – Yeah, I could see where that comment could cause a distance between you and your mom. I will say that my relationship with my family is not as strong as it once was, I think its because we lived many hours away from any family and we were forced to help ourselves. No one around to make us dinner, stop by and check on us, etc. We just learned to be even more self sufficient than we already were. Sad, but that’s the way it is.
Kelly
Another very good vlog, Kelly. The format works very well. I feel like I’ve made a new friend instead of just reading words on the page/screen. Speaking of friends, a friend of mine I had not seen in a few years lost his 38-yr-old daughter over the past couple of weeks. She passed under very similar circumstances to my 26-yr-old son who died four years ago. I wrote an email to my friend, who hadn’t known about my loss, and from his reply I think he appreciated knowing someone else in his circle could begin to understand what he was going through. It brought me a strange kind of comfort as well, something along the lines of, “Well, I guess this didn’t happen to me ’cause I’m the worst Dad in the world, because it happened to my friend and I know he’s a good guy.” I wrote him a follow-up note telling him I’ll drop him a line from time to time, which he doesn’t have to answer — just going to offer him my observations and experiences from the trenches. Take care, Kelly. Thanks for the vlogs.
Ray – Thanks for the kind words regarding the new format. I love that you said that you feel like you are talking to a friend. That was my hope when people watched them.
Trust me, you should continue to reach out to him, helping others, really does help you.
Peace.
Kelly
Great post as always. Thanks for everything you do for greiving dads.
I find work to be the worst with the “people suck” situation. I worked from home when my son passed away last June and it really was the best for me. Now being back in an office it’s constant comments of “wait til you have kids” with the negative connotation that your carefree life will be over, etc. It gets very frustrating since I tend to get the most comments from folks that know the situation. I don’t know if it’s them trying to make me feel better in some twisted way but some days it’s very hard to get myself to work. You would think in a professional office setting people would adhere to the “if you don’t know what to say, saying nothing” rule. Anyways just needed to vent a bit. Keep doing what you’re doing.
Andrew – You are welcome. Yeah, work and fellow co-workers can be a source of some really stupid comments. That is a great rule. Say nothing.
I have called people out on saying stuff. I had a co-worker once that was in my car as we were going to a meeting and he said something and then tried to defend it after I called him out on it. I told him to “shut the fuck up or I am pulling over and he can get the fuck out of my car.” I would have been more than happy to help him out. Needless to say, he didn’t say much more.
Kelly
The comment I have heard the most was “your young you can always have more children”. It has been over 9 years since my 2 year old princess passed and I still hear that about how my younger 2 girls are supposed to be a “replacement”. At her funeral I was told by my wife’s family that is was “gods punishment for not obeying her (abusive) father”.
Wow. Punishment for not obeying her father. What a bunch of bullshit that is. You are better than me, I would disown someone for saying that, family or not. I have had a brother in law say some stuff that was cold and meant to inflict pain. I stopped talking to him for several years until he finally apologized and even now, I don’t have much to do with him. He showed his true colors and so have others. Sorry for the heartless comments.
Kelly
We stopped talking to him before then however some of the family fletcher the need to repeat it. Needless to say I have no time in my life for them either. I must say with all the heartless comments I still receive after 9 years, I have thosever friends who will educate and correct those that are ignorant.
http://www.neverforgetandrew.com/top-ten/
I wrote something similar to this – stupid things people say – it might help others to read it.
Perry
Perry – Great list. Do you mind if I use it on a blog post. Obviously I would give you the credit for the list. Good stuff!
Kelly