“Pissed off at God” by Kelly Farley

This post is for the faith based grieving dads with faith based beliefs. I have for the most part over the last 4 years stayed clear of postings that revolve around faith. I allow the grieving dads that respond to my post to include faith in their comments, but rarely have included them in my post. I have done that and will continue to do that so non-faith based individuals are no offended and still have a place to come and share their pain/thoughts. If you are offended by faith based material, now is when you should stop reading.

My intent is not to alienate anyone on this blog, it is for everyone regardless of your belief systems because we are all in this together to help, learn and share our experiences/thoughts. However, one of the themes I hear a lot for grieving dads (and moms) is that they feel uncomfortable being pissed off at God for allowing the death of their child to happen. I was one of those people until one of the guys that helped me through the darkness said to me, “its ok to pissed off at God, he has big shoulders and can handle it.” Him saying that took away the guilt I had about being pissed off and allowed some of my anger to start to flow out of me in constructive (and sometimes destructive ways).

The following was sent to me today by a fellow grieving dad and I thought I would share it with those hear today that have decided to read on and have made it to this point.

 BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO MOURN, FOR THEY WILL   BE COMFORTED. ( MATTHEW 5:4 *NIV )  When you lose someone that you love, take comfort in   knowing that they are now with God. For it is written that   when we die; THE DUST RETURNS TO THE GROUND IT   CAME FROM, AND THE SPIRIT RETURNS TO GOD   WHO GAVE IT.   ( ECCLESIASTES 12:7 )       Therefore; BROTHERS, WE DO NOT WANT YOU   TO BE IGNORANT ABOUT THOSE WHO FALL ASLEEP,   OR TO GRIEVE LIKE THE REST OF MEN, WHO HAVE   NO HOPE.  WE BELIEVE THAT JESUS DIED AND   ROSE AGAIN AND SO WE BELIEVE THAT GOD   WILL BRING WITH JESUS THOSE WHO HAVE   FALLEN ASLEEP IN HIM.  (1 THESSALONIANS 4:13-14)    So take comfort in knowing you will see them   again, for it isn’t the end of them but only the beginning! The   beginning of a much better life where; HE WILL WIPE AWAY   EVERY TEAR FROM THEIR EYES.  THERE WILL BE NO   MORE DEATH OR MOURNING OR CRYING OR PAIN, FOR   THE OLD ORDER OF THINGS HAS PASSED AWAY.  ( REVELATION 21:4 )       Now I would like to share something with you that has   helped many who have lost someone.  It is called “Safely Home.”  I pray that it will minister to those of you who have lost a loved one, remembering that they are now…..


I am home in Heaven, dear ones;
Oh, so happy and so bright!
There is perfect joy and beauty
In this everlasting light.
All the pain and grief is over,
Every restless tossing passed;
I am now at peace forever,
Safely home in Heaven at last.
Did you wonder I so calmly
Trod the valley of the shade?
Oh! But Jesus’ love illumined
Every dark and fearful glade.
And He came Himself to meet me
In that way so hard to tread;
And with Jesus’ arm to lean on,
Could I have one doubt or dread?
Then you must not grieve so sorely,
For I love you dearly still:
Try to look beyond earth’s shadows,
Pray to trust our Father’s Will.
There is work still waiting for you,
So you must not idly stand;
Do it now, while life remaineth–
You shall rest in Jesus’ land.
When that work is all completed,
He will gently call you Home;
Oh, the pleasure of that meeting,
Oh, the joy to see you come!

Leave a Reply

User Comments ( 13 )

  • Thank you Kelly,
    God IS working through you, and I believe only time will keep us from an eternity with our children.
    And us Dads who are living with the worst loss a human can bare….the worst agony..the deepest pain…will someday be hugging our lost children again…right beside YOU!
    Nick Nardone, Long Island, New York. ( dad of Michelle, from Kellys book)

  • Ray

    In my last post on this site I mentioned that since losing my 26-year-old son 16 months ago I have researched the lives of great men who also lost sons and who went on to live productive lives. Another “example” that struck me one day was that of God himself, who lost his only son Jesus Christ, according to the Christian faith. When I thought about it I realized that losing a son made me more “in God’s image” than I had ever been in my life. This realization has helped me a great deal.

  • Dan Richardson

    Interesting timing as I was talking to a woman just yesterday who recently lost her husband about this very subject [being pissed off at God].
    After 7 years, I still will get angry at god for what was allowed to happen to my innocent little 7 year old boy. It’s not fair and I don’t understand why God chose me and my family to carry this burden. It sucks!
    I agree with Mother Theresa, “when I get there, he [God] has a lot of explaining to do!”.

  • Ross C

    Thanks for the post Kelly and everyone who has replied so far.

    When our daughter passed away suddenly at six weeks of age I was very angry at God. How could he take a baby from the world and how would it ever make sense? I remember feeling guilty about how mad I was at Him, which made me feel even worse.

    My wife and I attended a speaker a few months later who specialized in grief. Something he said that night five years ago has stuck with me ever since: “It’s okay, God can handle you being mad at Him.” For some reason that really helped me – knowing God wouldn’t be mad at me for being mad at Him.

    Our daughter is buried in an infant section of a cemetery. There is a statue of Jesus and the following bible verse: Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14

    Peace be to all those who have lost their children.

    “A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That’s how awful the loss is.”
    ― Jay Neugeboren, An Orphan’s Tale

  • yup – that about sums it up! I had a lot of people praying for us when Alexander was sick. And I know that God gave us the strength to make it through. At the time, I believed he answers all prayers, even if sometimes the answer is No. I pray with my children every night, and we tell them that Alexander is ‘with God”. But is still have a lot of anger. the second child I had after Alexander died is a beautiful little girl. but, she was also born with a hole in her heart, and Down syndrome. I am willing to accept whatever life hands me, but somedays i just want to say WTF God.
    But, I once heard that someone asked Mother Theresa how she could believe in a God that “allowed” so many bad things to happen. She answered “when I get there, he has a lot of explaining to do!”

  • Andrew Gill

    I too am not trying to convince anyone of anything, just putting my feelings out there.

    I used to have faith but it was always a little shaky as I tried to reconcile the Church and my perception of how it operates, with the word of god through man in the bible. I was never much of a fan of the Church, but did get a lot of comfort from my Catholic faith. I know some will feel that the two cannot be mutually exclusive but for me they were and I was comfortable with that. When I lost Kate I lost what little faith i had. Some has crept back in the form of hope rather than true belief. I hope that there is a god and that Kate is with that being in heaven, but I find it very hard to really believe that. I try to live by my catholic values, and have never changed that. I see them as great rules for making a better world regardless of if there is another one after death. With this in mind I find comfort in the fact that whatever happened to Kate after she passed, be it heaven, rejoining the force of the universe, eternal night or just nothingness, I will one day be the same with her. I have not attempted to offend anyone, so please don’t take my personal beliefs as critacism of yours. I also do not need ‘saving’ so if you respond trying to give me my faith back I will politely not read it. I am at peace (relatively speaking) and just thought that my feeligns might make sence to some other people out there.
    As always peace to you all, as much as you can get, every day.

    • Scott N

      Wow !! I have always had trouble finding words to express how I feel. It is almost 4 years since we lost our only child Kyle at the age of 20 but reading your words as a person of Catholic faith it is so spot on.
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts and do know that you are not alone either.

  • Thank you Kelly for sharing that.

    I too have issues with my faith. It runs hot and cold. This verse right here sticks with me though. I can’t shake it.

    2 Samuel 12 – NIV

    13 Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.”

    Nathan replied, “The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. 14 But because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for[a] the Lord, the son born to you will die.”

    I have done many, many things that I am not proud of. I can’t help but find guilt in myself though. Maybe I did bring it on.

  • Pat B.

    Much respect to all of you for your views and for sharing your beliefs openly. While we have strayed from such beliefs (we were both raised as Christians), losing our son has allowed us to come to a place where we can accept and be grateful for any and all love sent our way and to recognize that respect and love come in all forms. Just as with grief itself, the magnitude of this loss has shown us that there is no one way to recognize God/spirit/a greater power and such things are larger and more complex than any one teaching, definition, or verse can define.

  • Thank you for posting this.

  • Thanks Kelly!
    One of the greatest stories in the Bible, that speaks to the realities of grief, is the death of Lazarus in John 11. You could say that Lazarus’ sister, Mary and Martha, were both “pissed off”! (Verses 21 and 32 reveal how they felt)
    This story helps to remind me of God’s sovereign significance in our suffering and that if I keep my eyes and heart open, I will see the glory of God.

    John 11:40
    [40] Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you and promise you that if you would believe and rely on Me, you would see the glory of God?”

  • Steve

    Thanks so much for that post Kelly. I read you blog always. I lost my precious daughter Jeanne who died from the flu. You see she also had Type 1 Insulin dependent Diabetes since the age of 8. Three shots a day, 5 fingerpricks per day, and seriously tough to manage her blood sugar. She was 30.

    Here’s the real story. when my wife at the time was pregnant with our third child, she had an aneurisym burst in her brain. She was on deaths door for 5 days. You see she should have died. And then my third child, my son John would have died. But she survived brain surgery and my son was born. John was a miracle. But to me more than that. Because you see that 32 years ago when he was born – his birthday was….. 3/16. John 3:16 which from the Bible says “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only son, that whosover believes in HIm, will not perish, but will have everlasting life.”

    I believe that God sent me that powerful message 28 years ago, to help me deal with Jeanne’s death – and to assure me that we will be together again. Call me crazy, you decide.

  • Paul V.

    It took me a while to get use to this thought when grieving my two infant sons. When I had that realization that God is a big God and can handle it is when I felt myself taking a step in the right direction.

    That mentality of God is love, so we shoukd express only love towards him is what I really struggled with. This post helps reinforce how God is our protector and wants us to express all feelings to him.

    Thank you!