The following was sent to me by a fellow grieving dad and thought it would be a good thing to share here. Sound familiar?
I have been told that in the face of adversity you must be positive.
Since the death of my son Christian I am positive about many things.
I am positive that losing my son is the hardest thing I have ever endured.
I am positive that I loved him more than words can say.
I am positive that every day without him is hell.
I am positive that I will never be whole again.
I am positive that I will mourn his death the rest of my life.
I am positive that I will do every thing I can to keep his memory alive.
I am positive that I have to fight every day just to be ok.
I am positive that the only way I would feel great is to have him back.
I am positive that I would give my life if could have his back.
Christian, I am positive that I will love and miss you the rest of my life.
I just lost my 11 months old child on last Feb, 17 2013. For sure, there is nothing in the world could replace the emptiness. But, I am POSITIVE in one thing. No matter how much we loves her, the GOD loves her more and the GOD never make mistake.
Each time I miss her, I am POSITIVE to PRAY to my GOD to comfort her, to take good care of my child and to tell her that her dad love her so much.
I am POSITIVE to be strong just like her during her birth, fighting 50 days in NICU before we are able to bring her home.
I don’t know i think i like the honesty….the key being honest….sometimes I fake being postive so i can raise a daughter in some semblance of some kinda “normal” so she have a life and I try to make the most of it. But Inwardly I am half Notch, half empty and just going thru the motions. but out there they may think I am fine…but I am just a better actress and know that i have to do this to survive
nancy out in the country
I don’t know the circumstances of your tragedy, and I have no business butting into it, but here it is…
Taking care of yourself is of the utmost importance. If you feel “half-notch, half empty and just going through the motions”, you’re not helping your daughter at all.
I understand the need to protect her from outside influences, such as school bullies and the like. But sheltering her from a close personal death is not helping her at all…nor is it helping you.
If your daughter is as young as I think she is, sitting her down and explaining how Mommy feels will go a long way towards establishing a strong bond between the two of you. It will open up a new line of communication you never thought possible.
Remaining positive is essential…being honest is key.
I can agree with that sentiment…up to a point. There are a couple of “positives” in there that IMHO just can’t be true forever, not if I’m to remain sane and functioning.
The first is “I am positive that EVERY day without him is hell.”
That was true for me for the first year. Sometime during the second year it became a bit more bearable up until I started approaching the anniversary of Allison’s death, then life became a living hell again. I’m now beginning my 3rd year, life has returned to it’s “new normal”, and I have to say…it’s not a living hell anymore.
The second statement is: “I am positive that I have to fight EVERY day just to be ok.”
For me that was just not an option, so my wife and I got some counseling. I’m not saying that after a year of counseling that our lives magically returned to the “old normal”, but it did help us in many other ways. We didn’t have to “fight” to be okay, but what we did have to do was accept our “new normal” in order to be okay.
The 3rd statement is: “I am positive that the ONLY way I would feel great is to have him back.”
If that were true then I might as well give up the ghost right now. I’m not saying that I feel “great” every day, but I also didn’t feel “great” everyday before Allison’s death. In my life, feeling great usually comes after a good night’s sleep, or perhaps having accomplished something I didn’t think I could do. Hell, sometimes I just feel great for no apparently good reason!
My point is that while we are all different in how we handle the situation, those three “positive” statements, TO ME, are in fact negative statements and shouldn’t be part of one’s thinking. But keep in mind, I’m speaking as someone who is over two years past my daughter’s death. Time has a way of calming these wild emotions, but only if you let it.
Make no mistake, I still have my days where these three statements are very true to me, especially when I approach the anniversary of her death, but I CHOOSE to TRY to be happy…in other words, I remain positive.
That sure says it for me. Nothing is the same nor will it ever be. Remember you / we are not alone and never will be. We have each other, we are a band of brothers that never asked for this war but were thrust into it.