I am excited to introduce guest blogger Tony to the Grieving Dads Project website. He is a recently bereaved father and will bring a lot of the early raw emotion that I struggle conveying at times since I am now 8 years and 6 years out from my losses. It’s not that I have forgotten what this pain feels like, but I think Tony will bring a day to day emotion. I have noticed that many of my recent blog postings have been more about my experiences. I think it’s important to get a larger perspective. His first posting is about how he first heard the news and how he responded. Please welcome Tony to the site
Barely Above a Whisper
On May 23rd at 9:25 PM I had just got out of the shower and was getting ready for work when my wife, who was doing her friend’s nails, told me there was a knock on our front door. She told me to answer it because anyone that knows us will come to our side door because they know we do not use our front door. I walked out our side door and there was a white van sitting in my drive way, first thing I noticed about this van was that it had federal government tags on the front of it. There was a man in the driver’s seat just staring at me with a blank almost scared look on his face. I asked this guy “what is it?” I had to ask him twice before he answered, I already knew who they were but couldn’t figure out why they would be at my house because my son was stationed in Maryland, and he was not in a war or even in a dangerous place. He only answered “They are at the front door for you” as he said this, two men started walking towards me and talking to me at the same time. They were asking me if I was the father or legal guardian of PFC Tony. I stopped him from talking and told him do not talk to me until I can see you, because it was dark out and I really couldn’t see them at all but I think this was a way of putting off what he was going to tell me. Then they get into the light and it was two well decorated marines. They asked me the same question again and barely above a whisper, I said yes I am. They proceeded to tell me that they were sorry to inform me that my son had passed away. I heard them loud and clear but I asked him what he said again. I did not cry, yell, faint, get mad or show any other kind of emotion I just asked what happened and he said that he was found at 4:30 PM that same day. He was in the middle of talking and I told him to stop and to not say any more until I went and got my wife. The reason I did this was that I couldn’t imagine having to tell her myself and I was going to make them do it. I opened the door and called for my wife, she must have heard it in my voice because she said “What is it? What’s wrong?” I was fighting back tears now and told her, its Tony he passed. I’m not sure why I said that I think I didn’t want her hearing it from a stranger. She came outside and fell to the ground screaming and crying. I turned to the Marines and they asked me if I wanted them to wait until things calmed down before they told me what happened. I said my son just died do you think things will calm down anytime soon. They told me my son was found hanging on base and all attempts to revive him failed.
That night obviously changed my life forever and there was much more to this night after this but at this time I just wanted to share with you the fact that some people remember nothing of a tragic event yet others remember everything. I remember it all word for word and it keeps replaying in my head, almost every day. Just proof that we all think, act and grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Times are tough as hell for me right now. I have not and will not get over this but I will have to learn how to live with it and to continue to be strong for my wife and other children. Every day is different, some days are better than others but none are as good as they were before this.
My name is Tony Caruso, I am 40 years old and I am father of four and this is my way of introducing myself, hoping that by sharing my story and my day to day living that it will in some way help other dads out there who are also going through the loss of their child.