Constant Mind F**K
A couple of weeks ago I interviewed fellow grieving dad, Bryan. Bryan’s almost 3-year-old son Charlie had died about 7 months prior to complications with the flu. I was interviewing Bryan for my upcoming Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back book due out in January. Bryan is one of the last interviews that I conducted for this book and I am glad we were able to speak. One of the many issues we discussed is how often times flashbacks to the moment occur out of no where and how as men we tend to beat ourselves up regarding the should’ve, would’ve and could’ve. Thoughts such as “I should have been able to protect my child and my family from this.” We tend to “run it through” our minds over and over again to try to find the answer of how we could have changed the outcome. If we were given another chance, we would have done something different. As Bryan so eloquently put it, “it’s like a constant mind fuck”. All of this “stuff” that rattles around in our head. It takes time to process all of these thoughts and second guessing that goes on inside of all of us. Comments we receive from others like “it was meant to be” is complete bullshit and most grieving parents will tell you that. It wasn’t meant to be, however, it still has to be processed.
As bereaved parents, I believe our brains and our nervous systems have been forever damaged on some level. That’s not to say we will not go back to a life in which we can function, but we will never go back to the person we were before. This is another issue that tends to mess with your mind. Along with may others.
One of my main issues is I should have never gone through fertility treatments. I should have just let it be what it was instead of trying to circumvent nature. That is one of many that I had to process/deal with.
What are the types of issues you are internalizing, second guessing or processing? We all do it, care to share yours?
Thanks to Bryan for being open with this subject and the struggles he faces as he travels this path.
*Note to my subscribers: I am sorry for the lack of posts in recent weeks. My blog had been hacked by a Turkish Terrorist Group (no, really) and I have spent a lot of time with help from other specialists getting this blog back up and running smoothly. Sorry to those of you who rely on this blog for support. Steps have been taken to avoid this in the future.