Most people can’t fathom the thought of losing one child, let alone losing two. I have two urns that sit on my dresser at our home. The first one is for my sweet little girl Katie. It is bronze with a little girl on the front and she is kneeling and praying facing towards the right. The second one is for my beautiful son Noah. His is the same bronze urn, but his has a little boy kneeling and praying facing towards the left. They are side by side on my dresser and the little images on the front of the urns face each other. They make me smile when I stop and touch them, a warm loving smile because I know how much they have touched my life.
Some people would think that it’s a little odd to have the two urns in my house. I am guessing that they think by seeing them everyday they would make me sad. They don’t make me sad, they use to early on, but no longer. It would bring me greater stress if they were not with me. I like having them near by and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like the fact that I know they are with me, that I can talk to them when ever I want. I know they are not there, but it brings me comfort to touch the urns and say hello to them from time to time. I don’t talk to them everyday, but they are a reminder to me to look at life differently; to live it differently.
After one goes through the extreme grief (this takes years), trauma and depression that accompany the death of a child, they start to see things a little differently. You learn to live a life that is genuine. You want to start living in a way you hadn’t before. You usually do not tolerate things in your life you use to tolerate. You smile more (this takes a while, after the anger has run its course) and are quicker to reach out to others that need help. You become transparent and drop any ego you may have had prior to the loss. Your approach to your career can be greatly impacted especially if you didn’t really like your job before hand. The thought of all of the ass kissing it takes to climb the corporate ladder makes you nauseous. You surround yourselves with real friends and start to distance yourself from the “good time” friends (the ones that disappear after the death of your child and the aftermath that follows). You will find new friends that are not afraid to sit with you while you are crying and will take your phones calls no matter what’s going on in their life at the time. You start to see all of the injustice in this world and may even become an advocate as a way to honor your lost child. I have learned that’s it not all about me and I realize there is healing in helping others. You become less judgmental towards others. The list goes on and on.
This is why I keep their urns with me, as a reminder to continue to live my life in a positive manner versus heading in a direction that would be easy to go at times. It’s unfortunate that we have to go through a profound life experience to understand the true beauty of life and all it has to offer. Why do we tolerate all of the “stuff” prior to these events, fear?
I read a story this weekend about a guy that survived the 9/11 World Trade Center events. He described that when he was a child, he always wanted to work in the financial district in New York. He lived across the river and dreamed of getting out of the bad environment in which he was raised. He pursued his goals and achieved them. However, on 9/11 he walked out of the building where he worked for a financial institution and kept walking. He walked away from the corporate job and decided at that time he was going to live his life to the fullest. He started to learn how to dance the Tango and it has become his passion. He has traveled to South America to learn the art of this dance. Studying it to the point where he has become a Master Tango instructor. He now owns his own Tango studio in New York and teaches it to others. His income level has dropped, but his need for material items has also diminished since he found his passion. He has learned to simplify his life after a profound life event. Great story.
How about you, do you talk to your child where they are located; cemetery, urns in your home or ashes in the wind? Are you living your life with passion? Have you made changes to your life after a profound life experience? Share your stories with me and the others that visit.