The following are lyrics from a song co-written by country music artist Gary Allan. I am a fan of all music that speaks to me and this song does. This song was on his album “Tough All Over” that was released in the Fall on 2005, about a year after the death of my daughter, Katie. Many of the tracks on this album relates to his wife that had committed suicide the year before and left him with 6 children. I related to the song the first time I heard it. The fog of grief was starting to lift a little and I truly felt like I personally had just gotten back from hell.
The song is about going through something very very hard and feeling like you had survived it, somehow. As dark as the song is, there is a message of hope and trying to put your life back together after a profound experience.
I attached a You Tube Video so you can hear the song played live by Gary. Keep in mind that the video is live so it’s not perfect.
I think most of us can relate with this song, how about you, ever feel like you “just got back from hell?”
“Just Got Back from Hell” by Gary Allan
I just got back from Hell
and I’m standing here alive
I know it’s really hard to tell
Don’t know how I survived
But I can’t say that I’m doing’ great
But I think I’m doing’ well
That Devil’s going to have to wait
‘Cause I just got back from Hell
Well, I just got back from Hell
And I guess to tell the truth
Well, I’ve been mad at everyone, including God and you
When you can’t find no one to blame you just blame yourself
And I know I’ll never be the same
I just got back from Hell
Forgive me if I had any part
If I ever broke your heart in two
Forgive me for what I didn’t know
For what I didn’t say or do
And, God, forgive me as well
‘Cause I just got back from Hell
Well, I just got back from Hell
And I need to make some plans
It’s the last thing that I want to do
But I’ll do the best I can
I’m going to learn to live again
But I think I’ll sit a spell
Tell the world that I’m alive
and I just got back from Hell
Hell is a dark place with little or no light at times , my beautiful boy Adam was taken from me on the 1st of April 2011, alittle under 5 months ago. I’m wondering, stubbling around in very foggy place spirling downwards deeper into that dark place and no one can reach me!
Matt,
You are correct, it is a dark place and its scary. I am sorry for the loss of your sweet boy Adam. I have been in the exact place you are right now, “wondering, very foggy and spiraling downwards into the dark place”. I didn’t think anyone could reach me either, but they did. It took me allowing them to help me which was something I never did before, allow someone to help me. I had to much pride to show others my pain. There are others that want to help, me being one of them. Go to support groups and keep going for a while, try to find another grieving dad in your area that is a little further out (I may be able to help you find someone if you let me know where you are located), find a counselor, some suck and you may have to meet a few of them, but do it. The only one that can help you pull up out of the tail spin is you, but as soon as you make the decesion to do that, the what I call “angels” start to appear and lift you up on days you dont think you can go on another step. Call me if you would like to talk, anytime, (630) 561-5989.
“If you are going through hell, keep going.”
Winston Churchill
For all of us who are still going through the hell of losing a child, I believe Churchill’s words sum it up best. The only way to get though hell is to keep going. While every day is painful and difficult, I refuse to let this hell win. It continuously tries to pull my back to the moment of my son’s death and make me retake every step I have journeyed since, but I will not let hell win, I will not let hell defeat me and consume me. I know that I will get though this and that every dad out there will find the strength and courage to get thought their hell as well. TO all the dads who find themselves in their own hell…do as Churchill said…keep going, and if you ever need a hand, take mine and we will keep going together!
Steven
Steven – Love you last line “keep going, and if you ever need a hand, take mine and we will keep going together”. That statement is what this blog is all about. Doing this together lets you know you are not alone. It allows us to lift each other up and the really bad days.
Thanks for this posting.
Kelly
Right now I feel like I live mostly in hell but I tell myself well, it hasn’t even been 23 months.
Sherry,
We all live in hell for a very long time. You are correct 23 months is still very early in the process. This posting was meant for the people that are starting to emerge from the fog as a way to acknowledge that things are starting to change, slowly.
Thank you for being here and thank you for sharing.
Peace.
Kelly