I received the following statement and response from a friend and fellow grieving dad. There is so much truth in the statement. I can relate with the “bizarre and unexplained behavior” because looking back I did my fair share of both and I know it was a direct result of not allowing myself to fully process the death of my two children. I eventually emptied out my “pockets” and aired them openly. I only wish I had realized this earlier in my grief. Maybe the fight would have been a little easier on me and the people around me. Let me know your thoughts on this posting.
“Deposits of unfinished grief reside in more American hearts than I ever imagined. Until these pockets are opened and their contents aired openly, they block unimagined amounts of human growth and potential. They can give rise to bizarre and unexplained behavior which causes untold internal stress.”
I SO agree with this statement! But why generally is it SO TRUE? In my grief, I have personally committed to do my best to fearlessly embrace my grief journey and NOT embrace or create “deposits of unfinished grief” for me or my family. But here’s the challenge.
Not only are human beings self-centered but we as Americans have a very self centered culture. As a result we are cowards when it comes to grief/loss/suffering. The “American Dream” for a family does NOT include your child’s death! Yet it happened to us and these events happen every day to people all around us. So what are we to think and more important, what are we to do? Should we believe we have been abandoned and there is no purpose in our loss? I don’t think so!
I know I should fully acknowledge the deep pain of the loss, remember that this life IS NOT all there is and look for the reason in the loss and embrace being useful for those around me who are also suffering deeply in their loss. If the soul ripping agony of my grief now enables me to FULLY understand, to fearlessly connect with other grieving people, to comfort them and point them to a real hope that is found NOW and after this life, then there is grand purpose in my grief and loss.
I think the real “block” is most people reject the idea that grief/loss/suffering has a grand purpose and the purpose is not to disillusion, depress or destroy us. It is to DEMONSTRATE fearless living and drive us to be committed to compassionately connect with hurting people all around us.
Indeed it is a strange comfort to know that others have been bizarre. We are weird, esp. American’s about death. I don’t think in “the original plan” there was supposed to be death. So it will never be “natural”.
I don’t think the purpose is a “purpose” or a…. how to say…, “planned horrific thing to get a good thing”. I think I am more fearless, etc. and am even contemplating being a grief therapist because comprehension, compassion and truth are sooo lacking. I also think depression etc. are a part of the package. I am grateful to be more human. Yet, I don’t wish the very real pain on anyone. That said, good, very good, can always come out of uwanted, unplanned bad. -Perhaps a different take. But I was a very compassionate person before my daughter died-that hasn’t changed much. And I can’t say i’d trade my ‘new me’ to be anyone else. Raw life is so real, and so much that is little just doesn’t matter anymore.