I occasionally like to go back and read some of the things I wrote while in the depths of my despair as a reminder of how far I have come.  A reminder that there was a time when I didn’t have hope or peace in my life.   I find it hard to believe how deep one can go in their grief to lose all hope in their life.  I am so thankful to feel peace and hope in my life again.  There was a time when I would chase the buck at all costs, including my own health but I have learned the very hard way that having hope and peace in your life is so much more valuable than any material thing you can acquire.  The following was written about 9 months after the death of my son Noah and offers a glimpse into what people experience after the death of a child:

Today is one of those days when I feel like crawling into bed and never coming out.  Nothing really seems to matter and my future just seems like something I am being forced into rather than something I am looking forward to.  It’s definitely not what I had planned.

I really understand how people lose hope and happiness in this life.  I can see how they become bitter.  It is easier than becoming better.  Becoming better means you have to keep fighting every day.  Becoming bitter is something that just happens.  I don’t know if I have it in me to keep fighting.  It is so exhausting. 

It’s like I am paralyzed by this fear.  Fear of the future and fear that I will not truly be happy again.  Fear that I am just trying really hard to escape and that I will never be able to.  I know I have come a long way, but I have a long way to go.  I can’t even express how hard this journey is.  I know its “normal” based on others I have spoken to that have gone through a loss of a child.  I feel some days that I will always be screwed up inside.  I don’t want to be that way.  I just want to live the rest of my life in peace and I am not sure how to obtain it. 

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  • I lost my 19 year old daughter on August 11. I still feel bitter though less than I did two months ago. I still feel alive without living or without any real desire to live. Although there are some peaceful days (like today is one) the world or this life doesn’t really matter to me anymore…
    Reading this most makes me feel that there is a chance that some day this might change. Thank You.

    • Indian Homemaker:

      It is still very early in your journey so I am not surprised to hear that “your still feel alive without living”. Take teh peaceful days when they are giving to you. You need those days to build strength so you can fight on those days that are not peaceful. Everyone is different, but it took me a couple of years of processing what had happen before I started to feel peace again. Real peace. Peace I had felt since I was a child. I still have that peace but I dont believe I would have ever found it if I continued fighting the grief. Trying to “push” through it didn’t work for me. I finally gave in and “just let it be”. Whatever that day just so happend to be, I just let it. I started a chart and in the morning I would write down how I was doing (1-10 scale with 10 being the best day). I would then fill it out later in the day. I would refer back that chart when I was having a really bad day. I would look back and say “ok, 2 days ago was a 7, 7 nots bad. I know today is a 3, but only two days ago I was a 7 so I know I will get back there again.” I would continue to do this chart for a year until I realized I was having several good days/weeks in row. I would have to go back several weeks to find a day where I was under a 5. I must say after 5 years, most of my days are 8 and above. It will get better. I don’t know when, But it will.