I occasionally like to go back and read some of the things I wrote while in the depths of my despair as a reminder of how far I have come. A reminder that there was a time when I didn’t have hope or peace in my life. I find it hard to believe how deep one can go in their grief to lose all hope in their life. I am so thankful to feel peace and hope in my life again. There was a time when I would chase the buck at all costs, including my own health but I have learned the very hard way that having hope and peace in your life is so much more valuable than any material thing you can acquire. The following was written about 9 months after the death of my son Noah and offers a glimpse into what people experience after the death of a child:
Today is one of those days when I feel like crawling into bed and never coming out. Nothing really seems to matter and my future just seems like something I am being forced into rather than something I am looking forward to. It’s definitely not what I had planned.
I really understand how people lose hope and happiness in this life. I can see how they become bitter. It is easier than becoming better. Becoming better means you have to keep fighting every day. Becoming bitter is something that just happens. I don’t know if I have it in me to keep fighting. It is so exhausting.
It’s like I am paralyzed by this fear. Fear of the future and fear that I will not truly be happy again. Fear that I am just trying really hard to escape and that I will never be able to. I know I have come a long way, but I have a long way to go. I can’t even express how hard this journey is. I know its “normal” based on others I have spoken to that have gone through a loss of a child. I feel some days that I will always be screwed up inside. I don’t want to be that way. I just want to live the rest of my life in peace and I am not sure how to obtain it.