Last month I posted a couple of my writings that I wrote while I was deep in my grief. I received a lot of comments regarding these posting so I decided to share some more of these writings. Once I start reading them, it takes me right back to the moment when I wrote them. The good thing is that I don’t stay there anymore. I read them from time to time as a reminder of how far I have come since those very dark days.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. But I am a fighter and I will climb out of this pit. I will be a different person, a better person, a much more loving and compassionate person. My relationship with God is stronger than ever and will continue to be. I know I will hold my kids in heaven. I feel that I am just breaking over the hill and starting my down hill climb back to my new normal.
It has impacted every aspect of my life. I went from a person that had hope and confidence to someone who has to fight to regain just a small portion of these things back. I feel like I have to restart this process everyday and it becomes tiring.
I’ll go weeks feeling like I am doing better and then I have a set back that will last a several days. It’s been 13 months since Noah and the pain is just below the surface. The things in my life that used to seem important really don’t anymore.
Jack,
I was so glad to read your words and also sad for the intensity of your pain. I was glad because after three years I am no much better either. I read where so many parents are fine after a year or two and then there’s us, still being cut down low by the terrible pain that we carry inside. I thought I was abnormal for being so messed up for so long. You must have been very close to your boy.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I am sorry you are still struggling with the pain.
You are not along brotherman…not alone.
Jody Dark Eagle Breedlove
There is a lot of us that has been thrown into a club, and the dues we pay are very high. There is no way out of this club. I also go for weeks doing ok and then it hits me again like a brick, it has been 5 years. It will never go away. You brain goes into protection mode to keep from going crazy. I also will hug my son when I reach heaven. I pray every day that no parent is put in this club.