Last month I posted a couple of my writings that I wrote while I was deep in my grief.  I received a lot of comments regarding these posting so I decided to share some more of these writings.  Once I start reading them, it takes me right back to the moment when I wrote them.  The good thing is that I don’t stay there anymore.  I read them from time to time as a reminder of how far I have come since those very dark days.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  But I am a fighter and I will climb out of this pit.  I will be a different person, a better person, a much more loving and compassionate person.  My relationship with God is stronger than ever and will continue to be.  I know I will hold my kids in heaven.  I feel that I am just breaking over the hill and starting my down hill climb back to my new normal.

It has impacted every aspect of my life.  I went from a person that had hope and confidence to someone who has to fight to regain just a small portion of these things back.  I feel like I have to restart this process everyday and it becomes tiring. 

I’ll go weeks feeling like I am doing better and then I have a set back that will last a several days.  It’s been 13 months since Noah and the pain is just below the surface.  The things in my life that used to seem important really don’t anymore.

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User Comments ( 2 )

  • Jody Dark Eagle Breedlove

    I was so glad to read your words and also sad for the intensity of your pain. I was glad because after three years I am no much better either. I read where so many parents are fine after a year or two and then there’s us, still being cut down low by the terrible pain that we carry inside. I thought I was abnormal for being so messed up for so long. You must have been very close to your boy.
    I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I am sorry you are still struggling with the pain.
    You are not along brotherman…not alone.

    Jody Dark Eagle Breedlove

  • Jack Hobby

    There is a lot of us that has been thrown into a club, and the dues we pay are very high. There is no way out of this club. I also go for weeks doing ok and then it hits me again like a brick, it has been 5 years. It will never go away. You brain goes into protection mode to keep from going crazy. I also will hug my son when I reach heaven. I pray every day that no parent is put in this club.