I Don’t Dispute That

I am posting more of my writings I found from the early days of my grief journey.  One thing that stands out is the pain I read in these words.  It’s a reminder of how far I have traveled in my grief.  I will never go back to the person I was before, but I feel a million times better than when I wrote this stuff below.  It’s good to go back and read some of these deep thoughts.

 It’s still such a shock to look back at what I have gone through.  Every day is a fight to feel better.  I want to go back to the person I was before the losses and without the pain.  However, I would never want to forget my children and how much I love them and how much they have touched my life.  It’s hard to stop the tears.  I sometimes have a tendency to relive those days.  Not just what happened, but the details of the events.  The fear and sadness in my wife’s eyes as well as my own fears, sadness and pain.  I can’t even tell you how difficult this has been.

I miss them and love them so much.  I never thought this could hurt so much and for so long.  Many of my friends and family have disappeared through this time.  It’s unfortunate that most of my support comes from people who I have never met.  True angels that God has placed in my life to help me through this dark valley.  I have been feeling myself coming out of it over the last couple of weeks.  

I know I will prevail, but it’s a very long and dark tunnel.  I met with a Psychiatrist last week that told me I was suffering not only from grief but she also thinks that I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the shock of the events.  I don’t dispute that.   

I have been missing my babies so much.  I love them so so deeply that it physically hurts.  This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  I never understood the love one has for their child until now.