This is a continuation of the “emotion series” blogs that I will be writing about. As a father, these are many of the emotions that I experienced after the loss of my two children. I thought I would begin with the emotions/feelings that begin with the letter “A”.
Anxiety: I must say I never understood when people talked about “feeling” anxiety. I never understood it because I had never experienced it. That is until I lost both of my children. My world was turned up side down as I spiraled out of control while trying to keep my head above water. I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts, crazy thoughts. Thoughts that came at me by the thousands. I couldn’t stop them. I felt like my life was literally coming unglued. Is this what a nervous breakdown feels like? I couldn’t shut down my thoughts. I was becoming obsessed with thinking about everything that happened.
I believe my anxiety was caused by a direct strain on my nervous system. The strain? The death of my children. Shock and trauma that was inflicted upon me. How will I cope? I didn’t. The anxiety and panic set in, fear shortly followed.
I remember one incident where I was at the grocery store with my wife. It was later in the evening so there were not many people around. I was standing in one of the isles when I felt a warm sensation run thought my body. I started shaking while I fought back tears. I felt claustrophobic and wanted to take off running out of the store. I took a few deep breaths until I was able to get it under control. Not sure what triggered it, but this wasn’t the only incident, it seemed to happen quite often. Eventually I was able to identify when an anxiety attack was about to hit.
It was something that I constantly felt on some level. The severe attacks come out of no where and were usually followed by tears. That seemed to be the only way to release it.
Over a long period of time and once my grief started to subside, my anxiety started to go away. It’s been a couple of years since I had an attack, but I remember them like it was yesterday.
Do you have any stories of anxiety attacks that you would like to share? Feel free to send them to me or post them as a comment to this blog.