“10 Years – I Remember” by Kelly Farley

10 Years – I Remember

Today marks the 10-year anniversary of my son Noah’s death.  10-years.

I’m not really sure how I survived for this long, but I have.  In some areas of my life I have thrived, others not so much.  Early on, the despair was so profound, I didn’t think I would survive the next 10 minutes.  Despair so deep that it can only be understood by those that have experienced it.

I can remember everything that happened that day like it was yesterday.  I remember driving to the hospital.  I remember being in the hospital room.  I remember watching as he stopped breathing.  I remember the look on my wife’s face.  I remember the kindness of the chaplain that was there with us.  I remember the feeling of my heartbreaking.  I remember holding Noah.  I remember saying goodbye.  I remember handing him to the nurse.  I remember watching as she walked out of the room knowing I will not see him again here on earth.  I remember knowing that my life would never be the same again.

I deeply miss my baby boy.  My beautiful baby boy Noah.

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15 Responses to “10 Years – I Remember” by Kelly Farley

  1. GKiger says:

    I keep reading your posts and it’s been hard to respond, but my heart goes out to you and the wife on the pain that is always so pointed, to come thru with thoughts of that day. I ask many times why to we have to live through that again and again on that day, that moment. That love and loss never escapes, does it? This September will become “bitter sweet” as our daughter gets married, but our son was born and died this month. Sure miss that very young man…..True love and loss cannot come without pain. That is how it’s met to be, I’m afraid…..take care Kelly…

    • GrievingDads says:

      GKiger,
      The love and loss near leaves us. It evolves, but its always there. I know you miss him being there for your daughters wedding and just being there in your life. There are always milestones that I stop and ask myself what Katie and Noah would have been like.

      Thanks for the note.

      Peace.

      Kelly

  2. Dan says:

    Amazing that every word you wrote here is almost exactly what I remember happening when my son Daniel left our world. Thanks for posting. It will be 7 years for me on Nov. 3rd. May you and your loved ones experience ease of well being!

  3. Emslie Law says:

    I hate that I remember. I hate that I can relate. I hate that anyone else has been through this too.

  4. Thinking of you and your wife on this difficult day. Friday will mark 6 months since my wife and I lost our daughter. I can’t imagine how the years will go by without her. Thank you for continuing to share your story of survival. For those of us who are new to this terrible club, it can help us go on.

  5. Donald Begier says:

    Peace to you and your wife today Kelly. You have helped me many times, I hope you feel all of us holding you up today!

  6. applejack76 says:

    Kelly, you are a survivor! Thank you helping so many of us. Noah and Katie would be proud of their dad.

  7. Bruce Friedman says:

    Kelly, thanks for making a difference for those who have similar memories. I vividly remember my wife telling Josh it was OK to let go, the weeks that followed, and much of what you described when he did. Peace to you and your family. Your friend, Bruce.

  8. Christopher Naranjo says:

    My son Cayden Ryan passed away 5 years ago June 5, 2011. He was born premature and fought for 45 days until his passing. I remember everything that day. I remember rushing to the Hospital, my heart beating at an unbearable rate. I remember the faces in the hospital room, the Doctors and Nurses doing everything within their means to keep him alive. I remember he heartbeat slowly fading away on the monitor. I remember the feeling of despair as i watched his last heart beat. I remember my wife’s face & her inconsolable cries. I remember the blow to my chest as a portion of my heart was ripped out. The place in my heart forever… irreplaceable. I remember holding him in my arms, a feeling of hopelessness….a feeling of anguish & hope lost. Who I was before, was forgotten. Life as I know changed forever. Each day that passes i try to find the person before, but he no longer exist. This person here is a form of my former self. I do what must be done yet….I miss him dearly everyday. Thank you for continued help of grieving Fathers.

    Christopher Naranjo

  9. Bruce Welsh says:

    I like you Kelly remember everything from that day. It’s coming up on 4 years since I lost my 22 year old son Matt. I remember discovering that the ventilator was actually breathing for my son. I remember grilling the respiratory tech to verify that the machine was breathing for him. I remember making the decision to remove him from the machines. I remember holding is hand as he took his last breath. I remember walking out of the hospital, the same one that he was born in, thinking that the first thing I touched when he was born was his left hand. The last thing I touched was his right hand. I remember how numb I felt when I walked through the hospital parking lot.

    But as painful as these memories are, I don’t think any one of us would give them up.

  10. cjordan@wlu.ca says:

    Profoundly sad and moving–my thoughts are with you today and also with Noah.

  11. Tommy says:

    Kelly, was holding back tears as I read. As Nancy stated – so sad and beautiful. couldn’t agree more. I pray for peace to you and your wife today. Appreciate you and everything you do for us fellow grieving parents.

    -Tommy

  12. nancy says:

    your words so sad and yet beautiful honoring, your wife and Noah and all what you do for our community of Loss.

  13. ziggy swenson says:

    I’m with you in your thoughts .It’s been 5 years for me .I have destroyed myself many times only to survive just for Jonathan’s memory .I really don’t know how we can grieve for so long . Because of Noah and Jonathan we keep their light burning . God bless .

  14. John O'Malley says:

    Kelly, you are in my thoughts and prayers on this emotional day…..

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