“Something Inside Died That Day”

I want to start this posting by saying thank you to Leon Harris for having the strength and courage to tell his story of child loss.  Everybody’s story is different and all stories are welcomed here on this blog.  His storyline is not often discussed because of the taboo nature of the topic.  It takes courageous people like Leon to shed light on the reality of this pain and to let people know they are not alone and that others understand your pain.  The following is his story of loss, love and pain:

 Something Inside Died That Day

It started in 2004.  I had planned on moving down to the Phoenix area and I ended up meeting someone down here from the internet. I didn’t move down here for her.  It just so happened that I met her after I decided to move.  I had come down to see her around Mother’s day that year.  That’s when we knew.  We hit it off very well.  I ended up moving down here in June of that year.  I guess things progressed pretty quickly for us.  I was struggling with finding a job when I moved down here.  I didn’t know what the future held, but I did know that I was very much in love with her.  That love still exists, even after she did what she did.

We found out in July that she was pregnant.  We both were very excited about it.  We had planned to get married.  No date set, mostly talk.  We even went to the pre-natal appointments because we were planning on having this baby.  I was doing contract jobs on and off at the time since I was unable to find a regular job back then. I will never forget this day.  The day that changed my life forever.  September 7th, 2004. I was actually doing one of the contract jobs when I received a phone call from her.  What she told me caused something inside me to die that day.  She told me she had aborted our child.

I got sent into a downward spiral.  I started drinking heavily, being promiscuous, etc.   I would cry myself to sleep at times.  I lost my self esteem, my self respect.  I couldn’t handle it, but I had no one to talk to.  Even now, over 6 years later I have trouble talking about it.

We even tried to work it out afterwards because I tried forgiving her.  She never stopped loving me.  She told me she did it because she was scared and I wasn’t stable in work and she didn’t know what to do.  We had tried working it out multiple times after that, but she had told me that every time she looked at me, she thought of our child and she couldn’t handle it.  I found out later from her that the day she called me to tell me that, she hadn’t actually done it yet.  I think she said she actually did it like 3 days later.  Because we had originally planned on keeping it, I have an ultrasound from 9 weeks. Our child was aborted at 11 weeks.  That is the only thing I have to remember my child.  I will always love her though, despite what she did.  It just still hurts to think about what happened.

It damaged me emotionally.  I keep to myself mostly.  My whole outlook on life has changed.  I think what has helped me the most is that I found my way back to God and now he helps me through life.  I left out a lot of in-between details, but this is the main part of my story.  I hope it can help someone in the same situation.  I felt completely alone.  I just want people out there in this situation to know that you are not alone.

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This entry was posted in Abortion, Anger, anxiety, Courage, Depression, Emotions, Grief, Grieving Dads Words, Healing, Trauma. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to “Something Inside Died That Day”

  1. Debbie Welsh says:

    Thank you for being so courageous and open with your feelings. I have really been struggling this year with depression and wanting to die. Something has died inside of me and I have no more meaning or purpose in my life. I feel like my life is over and I dont have any fight left in me. I have 5 children who I’ve raised and they are great kids, but they are too busy with their own lives to make time for their mom. When I heard your story it touched me in a very special way because I have children, but also because I have lost 2 children. I am going to share my experiences with you because it might help and I know it will help me too.

    When I was very young I experienced a teen pregnancy. I was 14 and my boyfriend was 16. We were very close. He was my very best friend in the world and my very first love. No, it wasnt puppy love so everyone thought. I loved him with all my heart. He always took good care of me and kept me safe, always. We had a very special friendship and too this day he resides in the deepest part of my heart and he always will.

    Because we were so young our parents got involved and took over the situation. I was whisked away for a quick abortion before anyone found out. This took place in 1978. My special friend was with me through the whole process, but its not what we wanted. We were so young and our parents were so wrong for silencing us and for making our decision for us. To this day I continue to suffer with that loss and I can see how it affected my boyfriend at the time too. He never spoke to me ever again and if I was walking up the street he would turn his car around and drive the other way. Oh my God, the rejection I felt and the remorse for how our baby was taken from us. Whenever I feel badly about the loss of my very first child (April/1979 would have been the due date) I remind myself that I was only 14 and that my dad panicked and did what he thought was right. How could my boyfriend hate me to this day when as adults now we can look back and try to understand why our parents didvwhat they did. He hated me for allowing the baby to be taken, but I was only 14 and we were never included in any decision making around the unborn fetus.

    I lost the other child later in my life. My husband and I had three children together and we sparated in 1998, but I didnt realize I was expecting our 4th child. I lost the baby ( miscarriage).
    This was out of my control. There was quite a process with this. Maybe I will post what I wrote about the loss of that child as it may be helpful.

    Anyways, you sound like a sensitive caring individual and thats so needed in our world.
    Thank you so much for sharing your story and your feelings.

    I will send my story, What Doesn’t Destroy Me Strengthens Me in my next letter to you.

    I needed this today…your courage to express yourself has helped me one more day; for this I am truly grateful.

    God keeps in perfect peace all those who believe in him. I thank god today for this healing.

    Take good care and you are absolutely right, we are never really alone. As long as I continue to walk with God he carries me through.

    Thank you!

  2. Pingback: Coffee Break | Out Here Hope Remains

  3. julie rothery says:

    well done.grieving is about facing your emotions and talking about them is a start.I admire your strength.x

  4. Pingback: Tweets that mention “Something Inside Died That Day” | Grieving Dads Project -- Topsy.com

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