“What Pisses You Off?”

What Pisses You Off?

I think I have been fighting a little depression lately.  Over the last month or so I have found myself worrying about things, becoming agitated and quick to anger.  I feel exhausted every morning.  I so desperately want to change my career to something more rewarding.  I am pursuing a Masters in Counseling so I can work with parents that have lost a child, but there are times that it seems so far away and I need a change now.  I need to learn to relax and realize that it will happen; I just need to slow down and enjoy the ride.  Not easy for someone that needs change quickly.  My focus has been blurred and I need to keep my sights on the end which has been easier said than done lately.

I have also noticed lately that my patience have worn very thin with people and things that normally wouldn’t impact me.  For example, I was approaching an intersection today and the light turned yellow before I arrived.  Instead of just stopping and waiting for the green light, I decided I was going to let this irritate me to the point I had screamed out “mother fucker” just to let the anger/tension out.  I could feel my blood pressure go up and my face become flush.  I have always been short on patience but this was another sign that things are not quite right with me.

I think the problem is that I have been pushing myself pretty hard recently and have taken on way more than I can possible handle so I let the frustration get the best of me as times.  Frustrated with the fact I am not the same person I was before the death of my children.  I use to be able to handle several things at one time, but I just can’t seem to do it anymore.

I never experienced depression before the death of my children and as much as I know I am not the same person, it still pisses me off.

As a grieving dad (or mom), what pisses you off?

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This entry was posted in Anger, anxiety, Death of a baby, Death of a Child, Depression, Emotions, Grief, Grieving Dads Words, Happiness, Loss of a Child, Loss of a Daughter, Loss of a Son. Bookmark the permalink.

36 Responses to “What Pisses You Off?”

  1. G. Harrison says:

    I loss my twin daughter just this past April. Her twin brother works in our business and every morning when I see him I think of her right away. I am blessed with having her twin brother but I miss her so much I am trying to think of ways to help others get some peace as I move one day at a time toward feeling I hope somewhat better. She was 38 years old My outlook on things has changed tons, hopefully for the better.

  2. Mindy Sagmoen says:

    It takes enormous strength and courage to walk into the valley of the shadow of grief.

    Google wish you were here by avril lavigne on youtube. It’s a song about heartache and anger…. I personally found it very fitting for how I feel about losing my child.

  3. Mindy Sagmoen says:

    People who say “everything happens for a reason” (which makes me want to punch them in the head and say, “what do ya know…. you’re right!”. And people who say, “look at the bright side…” wtf? There’s a bright side to your child dying????

  4. It is the small tweaks that create the most dramatic changes.

  5. John Geraci says:

    I’m new here. My daughter only passed on July 1st. So I’m totally overhwhelmed by all of this. But I read about other parents like me who’ve been down this godforsaken path a lot longer than me; and it doesn’t appear to get any easier, any different. It’s like your leg is broken, it never gets set. So, yeah, you can walk, but nothing like before. I rage at God. I get pissed off at all the lucky bastards who never experience this grief and heartache and I wonder what’s the bleepin’ point? I try and focus on Leslie’s wonderful life, how many people’s lives she made so much better, all of the love … but in the end, she’s still gone.

    • Steven Stuart says:

      John,

      It does not get any easier, we just learn to come to a level of acceptance regarding the death of our children. My son died in March of this year and every day still hurts. The only difference between March 2 (the day he died) and now is that I have better coping mechanisms, but they took time to develop. Your bandaid was just ripped off, so the sting is still very fresh, so rage at God, get your anger out and hate the lucky bastards that have never been down this path…I know I did, and I am pretty sure most (if not all) of the people here have. It is ok…and, in an odd way, very cleansing to get the poison of anger and hate out of your system. The only thing I would ask of you in this terrible time is to channel your anger and hate in non-destructive directions. Go to a driving range or batting cage and hit balls until your arms almost fall off. Run, work out, chop wood, in order to channel all this raw anger and hate…then, when you are exhausted, go shower, relax a bit and then give your wife a big hug and let her know how much you love her and reassure her that you will get through this. It will take time, but you will survive this, even if, right now, you really don’t want to.

      Warmest regards and sympathies for your terrible loss
      Steven

  6. This is completely “normal” and something I experienced many times during my grief process after losing my wife of 4 1/2 years. This too shall pass.

    I want to wish a belated Happy Father’s Day to all the grieving dads out there. I reached out to my father-in-law this past week. As a father now myself, I can only imagine the pain of his loss.
    Rich NIlsen
    http://www.griefhelp.org

  7. Kevin says:

    I guess it depends upon the day. For the most part I feel dead too. I am NUMB not Pissed. Have no interest in anything or anybody. Yes I am depreseed but I will not take a pill for this. There is no pill that will bring my son back. That pisses people off when I say that. What pisses me off the most is that people just go on with thier lives and we are paralyzed with grief. I really think 99.9% of the world does not have a clue. God Bless all those and their children who have posted here.

    • GrievingDads says:

      Kevin,

      You are correct, most of the world has no clue. The only people that do are the ones like us that have to live this nightmare.

      Thanks for sharing.

      Peace.

      Kelly Farley
      Grieving Dads Project

  8. Allen, I will only speak for myself but… I kind of envy your ability to get pissed off. It will be two years on Friday and I can’t get pissed off about anything. I can’t get excited about anything. I’m numb. I think I got an injection of novacaine into my emotions center.

    I’m good at faking it though.

  9. Allen Nuzik says:

    Well, I see that what “really pisses you off” are my comments. I should never submit anything while pissed off. My choice of words left much to be desired. I humbly apologize to those I offended. My blog entry was really about 1 individual I know in particular. Perhaps I should have made that clear. Please forgive me.
    It has only been 8 months for me. Allen

  10. Dustin says:

    Allen,

    I apoligise for my crude words, we all have different way,s to deal with it.
    Believe me ,I can be very upset , but , life is to short to get pissed off.
    We can not change anything, I have asked WHY, WHY, what did I do wrong, I am 50, have had fun, and raised 3 chidren, that was really fun.
    But my baby girl,s life was cut short at 18 yrs, 4 months an 9 days.
    Now what do I do?

    I try to live, but I want her conversations with me.

  11. John Wolfe says:

    I think I have to agree with Sherry…nothing pisses me off right now. Oh, the usual littany of things will get my blood boiling such as gross incompetance, idiotic rules and regulations, congress, etc., but overall, I’m fairly calm right now.

  12. Nothing pisses me off right now.

    I wish it did.

  13. Nika says:

    I lost both of my babies to pregnancy complications that could have easily been prevented. Both of them were alive when they came out. Both of them lived for about 10 minutes.

    Many people don’t know how to react to prenatal or infant deaths. Their reactions piss me off. Like the people who say my babies didn’t exist. That they weren’t/aren’t my children. The people that say it’s easier to lose them as babies because I can just get pregnant and try again. The people that have no idea what I’m going through but think that I should be “over it” by now and “move on” with my life.

    I find that dealing with their reactions makes me quick to anger with everyone else as well. A few weeks ago a coworker was talking down to me because I haven’t finished certain qualifications yet…qualifications that I couldn’t get because I wasn’t allowed on the flight line while pregnant…and my reasons, to him, were only petty excuses. I had only been back at work for a week and wasn’t even cleared by medical to be on the flight line. It took everything I had in me to not choke the guy out with the extension cord I was holding at the time.

    Another thing that really pisses me off is when people act like I am the only one that lost my child. Like the father doesn’t matter. He lost someone too. And it hurts him just as much as it does me. So why doesn’t his pain matter?

  14. Erik Williams says:

    Hello,

    Yeah I know how you feel. I lost my son, Sawyer, a year ago today. He was born 28 weeks gestation with a CHD, Terology of Fallot, that was not diagnosed and he managed to be strong enought to live for only a day and a half. For the last 3 months or so, my fuse has been short and I find myself getting worked up over the littlest things that in my previous life would not even make me flinch. Now we are expecting our second son, and my wife and I never really complain about how we feel or how she is handling this as being the baby right after our loss, but what really pisses me off still to this day is that my best friend that I have known for over 26 years didn’t show up to my son’s service and they complain and bitch all the time about nothing. I don’t care what you say or what is going on, If that was him in my plac, there would be no question in my mind that I would be there for him. That being said, I don’t even talk to the guy nor do I ever plan to again.

    Erik Williams

    • John Geraci says:

      Hey Erik-

      I hear you. I have a buddy I’ve known for years, played golf together, dinners, etc. He moved away, but we still know a lot of the same people and they know that my daugther passed less than a month ago.. And he’s never once said squat. Not I’m sorry, how ya doing? Nothing. If I never hear from that sonofabitch again, it’ll be too soon. I don’t think we’re being too sensitive. It’s the goddamnedest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my life. Hang in there.

      • John Wolfe says:

        John,

        I understand your frustration at your friend for not acknowledging your daughter’s passing. When you say “they” know of your daughter’s passing, do you mean your friend and his family or your mutual acquantances? I think it fair to say that just because the friends you share know about the event, doesn’t mean that anyone has told your friend.

        Here’s something else to think about…it’s very early in your grieving process and you are understandably angry at everything and everyone you can lash out at, I understand that because I felt the same way. It’s been 7 months since my daughter passed and I still feel like that at times. But I think it might be a bit hasty to cut off a relationship with a good friend just because he hasn’t said anything to you yet. Some people are at a total loss for words when it comes to death and some even refuse to confront it, maybe because it reminds them of a death of someone close to them in thier family. We had cards and letters coming in from people for months after Allison’s passing, so give it some time…time for you to get your bearings and time for your friend to confront his own feelings about the matter. If he’s a good friend, he’ll get around to acknowledging your daughter’s passing and I’ll bet he appologize for taking so long to do so, too.

        Just my two cents.

  15. Matt B says:

    What pisses me off….is the fact that i don’t get pissed off anymore. I seem to have fallen into this emotionless state of being. Nothing makes me happy, mad, or agrivated anymore, sadness is the only emotion close to the surface. If someone cuts me in line, or cuts me off driving, i feel sad for them, say a prayer for them, and then feel sadness for me.

    example in point is Allens’ post about losing his only son, i instantly went to praying for him and his pain, while yes Dustins reaction is a valid one to have, and i agree on some level with Dustin, my first reaction was not the same. My first born was a girl and the only girl. I have a son as well, but the death of my only daughter has been difficult to say the least. Yes, having my other child has given my wife and i reason to get up in the morning and continue forward in this journy, but i do not think i have it any “easier” as Allen said it might.

    Allen, i am very sorry for the loss of your only son and child.

    Dustin, I pray for you and your family, our circle of friends since our daughters death has changed as well, next time instead of saying you can write forever, i say go ahead and keep writing….I, for one, don’t see any “bitching” here, just grieving.

    God Bless
    Matt

  16. Dustin says:

    Allen,
    You really piss me off, but people say things, I know how it is to vent, but you are wrong.
    I do not understand how you could say such things, anyone that has lost a child, it does not matter if you have 10 more children, it is a loss of a child.
    Do you think I don,t have a fucking clue ,fuck you. Have it easy? Tell me where that out is? something to cling to? My life was turned upside down in a heartbeat!!!!!!
    I lost my baby girl, 18 yrs, she was 1 month into college & my future daughter-in-law, 20 yrs, in the same accident. 5 miles from my house, my son was a few minutes behind them and was first on the scene, both killed instantly, he has to live the rest of his life with that image of the last time he saw his sister and fiancee.
    what pisses me off is the dreams and aspirations in life that these 2 two young lady,s had,they and all the people they touched will never see those dreams realized. My sons dreams also , he dropped out of college an moved out, We see him once every couple weeks, my wife lost her best friend, she has slept on the couch for last 8 months, she can not bring herself to come up stairs to our bedroom because Delana,s room is next to ours. I lost my baby girl, no more talks about life and what she want,s to do with it. I could go on writing forever.
    Dustin

  17. Leslie Beery says:

    I deal with this everyday. I lost my son to suicide recently and yes, I do have three other children but the pain, depression, questions, and complicated grief I am left with… is at times so debilitating that I feel useless and hopeless to anyone in the family. My son was 24 and I do not breathe without thinking of him and missing him. I am changed forever and often am quick to anger also, or become tired of people as well. I sometimes feel like such an outsider now, like people just do not get it. I did start http://www.thesurvivingproject.com to try and help. A way to give back and hopefully help another person along the way. Bottomline, I know some of these feelings you are describing. Although our situations are unique, it really sounds like some of the same feelings and attitudes. The thing that pisses me off the most though…..I cannot decide if it is the people that do not understand why I am still grieving/or that I am grieving all wrong…. or the fact that I will never know the answers to my questions as to why. There are just so many things that piss me off anymore.
    Leslie

  18. Allen Nuzik says:

    That’s an easy one.
    I lost my only child. Sorry to be so blunt, but those out there that still have children have it easy. You have something to cling to, to base your future on, have hopes and dreams fulfilled.(or not as the case may be). People who bitch and whine they have lost a child have not a fucking clue how horrific it is to lose your only son. Yes, their loss is real. But they have an out. Thanks for letting me vent. Allen

    • Leslie Beery says:

      I do not agree, but that is my opinion. My pain from losing my son IS the most horrific thing I have ever been through. Yes, I bitch and whine that I lost my son…and yes I have three other children. I have three other children that I cannot be a mother to because I have lost my future, hopes and dreams. I has broken everything. I do know how horrific it is to lose a my son, he was my only son that was named Fred…he was an individual that could never be replaced by another child. Each of us has our pain, please do not judge another persons pain by saying yours is greater or theirs is smaller. This is part of what complicates grief for people, I really think you could use your experiences to be a helper to those people and not a critic. Thanks for letting me respond.
      Leslie

    • Steven Stuart says:

      Allen,

      Please understand that this is not a grief competition where we pit one person’s grief/trauma/horrors against one another. Each person and family has suffered a unique experience in their loss, however that experience bonds us all together in a way that should foster love and support, not competition. I will take the liberty to speak for every parent that experienced the death a child (or more than one)…”easy” is not a word that any one of us associate with this devastation. Also, please understand that we are not “bitching” and “whining” as you put it, we are looking for a path forward and to restore some meaning to our lives.

      I wish you all the best and hope you find some peace in life at some point.

      Steven

    • John Wolfe says:

      Venting is good, Allen, and I’m glad that you can come here and do that. It’s good for the soul, but I would just ask that you put yourself in the shoes of those you accuse of having an “out”. They’ve lost a child, just like you. They grieve for that child, just like you. Their pain and suffering is no different than yours when you cut to the chase…they lost a child, bottom line.

      I too lost my only child. As a matter of fact, her and her husband were expecting our first grandbaby just a month before she died. She miscarried unfortunately, but before too long she was back to her normal self, all full of hopes for the future. Then she died, quite unexpectedly, and now my wife and I have no hopes for the future…no grandchildren to spoil or babysit…nothing. We are too old to start another family. So we choose to look to the extended family, nieces and nephews that will marry and have children to sort of stand in for the grandkids we won’t have.

      So I do understand your pain. It’s not fair that our only children were taken from us when others didn’t. But is that their fault? I think not and I think you judge too harshly.

      So I say again, put yourself in their shoes. Would you be any less devasted over the loss of your child if you had other children?

      I think not.

      • Steven Stuart says:

        As a parent who still has one living child, I can speak very clearly to this “out”…there is no out. There is not a moment that goes by that I do not think of my son. Opening day has come and gone and I will never be able to take Colin to a baseball game. My birthday is coming up and I won’t be able to see him try to lick icing from his sister’s finger. I have trouble deciding to use the word “child” or “children” when people ask me how many kids I have. I cry silently watching friends play catch with their sons. So, this out, this “easy” life must be somewhere over the rainbow, because it is not in the here and now. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my daughter to share the world with, but even she can not fill the hole in my heart left by Colin’s death.

        So, as John says…an “out”…I think not, “easy”…I think not!

  19. John O'Malley says:

    I know that feeling all to well. I was the same way. We lost our 26 year old son to heroin in 2008. We have had many other major (bad) things in our 32 years of marrige, but that was by far the worst. A few months ago I was so depressed (I guess it all just finally got to me). I was sad and angry at everything, to the point of not being able to cope. I decided to see the doctor and he put me on antidepressants. I hate that I need drugs to keep me going, but I am a much happier guy now. I still have sad days, but I can handle them better. We just lost my brother in law last Thursday,to cancer. Now we have another house to take care of and three more cars. If it weren’t for those little pills I would have lost it completely. Sometimes I just wish we could pack up and run away from it all!!!

    • John Wolfe says:

      Amen, brother, amen!

    • GrievingDads says:

      John,

      Reading your post really hits home with me. First, I too gave in to antidepressants. I didn/t want to and I fought it for a long time because of teh stigma. It had gotten so bad I didnt have a choice. I couldn’t function any more. The first time I took one of “those little pills” I broke down and cried because I felt like I let myself down and that I wasn’t strong enough to cope. But, I must say they worked and allowed me to get some of my life back. I think this is a good topic to post on, maybe I’ll post some something on the main board about this.

      As far as running away. I would love to, lets go. Small town with some peace and quite,

      Thanks for sharing.

      Peace.

      Kelly Farley
      Grieving Dads Project

  20. David Ehrensperger says:

    I am completely in agreement with you. Sometimes I can keep my frustrations in check but other times I feel like I could just explode. I have always had a little irritation in me that I would bleed off every now and then, but since my son was killed by a police officer in a needless wreck (see http://www.pursuitsafety.org – Steven’s Story), I just get overwhelmed sometimes.
    Also my capacity to think, remember stuff and emotions go beserk, if not away completely. My wife tells me that a tragedy like we have been though eventually erodes away some of your mental capacity and makes you sort of ……lost. Sometimes I think I have got some sort of Alzhiemers or something. Some say time will make it better, but I don’t think I will ever be the same.

    • Steven Stuart says:

      David,

      All of us who have lost a child seem to fall into the trap of expecting that time will make things better, and that we will eventually be the same or “normal” again. I have found out in good ways and bad…that is just never going to happen. Time does not heal, and “normal” will never be “normal” again. All we can do is to try to not allow ourselves to lose the person deep down that makes us who we are. I know that I have lost track in different ways and am always struggling to find my way back to a place of peace, comfort, sanity, and hope, and I can tell you this…it is a struggle every moment of every day of my life right now. While it is always going to be difficult, just know that you are not alone in your fight.

      Peace,
      Steven

    • John Wolfe says:

      David,

      I agree with Steven. When I lost my daughter last December, I felt like I was in outer space drifting aimlessly. Nothing made sense to me anymore, not the job, not the family, not the friends, nor any of the home projects I had been working on prior to her passing. I still go back and forth between using the word “passing” and “death” when talking to other people. My 23-year-old daughter died suddenly and quietly, just laid down and “went to sleep” never to regain consciousness. The ME’s report cited a disease I wasn’t even aware of and that threw me even further into space, spinning faster and faster. After doing extensive research into this disease and not finding any answers, I finally did what Steven said, and I reached down to the very core of who I am and asked myself if all this expenditure of energy was really worth it. Would it bring Allison back? No, and that’s when I think I began my “healing” process, a controversial word in this forum, but I use it to describe my journey through the grief process and ultimately bring me to the place Steven spoke of, where peace, comfort, sanity and hope exist. I will never be the same person I was before…never. I can only hope to be a somewhat sane man trying live his life in the best possible way he can. It may not seem like it at this moment in time, but you will be able to do the same thing. Just keep hope alive.

    • GrievingDads says:

      David,

      It is normal to feel overwhelmed. At least it was/is for me. Today is the 5-year anniversary for the death of my son Noah and I have been feeling overwhelmed leading up to it. Feeling of exhaustion at times. The good thing is, this is the first time I have felt this was in a long time. Some times you just need to take a step back, catch your breath and proceed slowly.

      Peace.

      Kelly Farley
      Grieving Dads Project

  21. Steven Stuart says:

    In a word “everything”!

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